Letter To My Future Husband, Pt. 4

Hello,

It’s me.

I’d continue the rest of Adele’s song, but I honestly don’t know the rest of the lyrics, haha. I also don’t quite know how to start this letter, but I do know what I want to say.


I want to thank you in advance. You will probably meet me at the tail end of my journey through overcoming my fears, or you probably already know me and have seen, for a while, my struggles with it. Whatever the case, I want to thank you for your patience, gentleness, and courage to keep loving and pursuing me despite the fact I am terrified of you and any intimacy between us.

I met with my counselor today and this was our main topic of discussion: my fear of vulnerability, looking like an idiot, and being the center of attention. We talked about how I have a crush issue, in that I crush easily, but that’s as far as I will let it go. I deep down desire to be wanted, but as soon as it seems like I am, I tuck my tail in (figuratively, obviously) and book it in the opposite direction. I have such low view of my value, especially as a woman. I can’t seem to shake the view that I am not desirable.

I want to thank you again in advance for your patience. I will at times be difficult, reserved, and (extremely) hesitant over anything or everything. Thank you for patiently staying by my side during these times. I am still growing and healing and hopefully those moments will be few and far between by the time you are in my life.

Thank you also for your gentleness, for kindly taking my naivety and helping me learn the ropes. Of course, I’m talking to you like you’re going to know everything and have the whole dating/marriage thing down. Not quite my intention, but I have a feeling you’re going to know waayyy more than me about all forms of intimacy that I have done too well of a job keeping far from me.

And finally, thank you for your courage. My counselor mentioned there are few guys that would have the drive to continue to pursue a woman who seems to reject them. I pray you are one of those guys. I am so terrified you won’t be. Man, this section is hard to write a “thank you” for because deep down I don’t believe a guy could love me that much. I know, at least I try and believe, that God sees and loves me that way, but will you, who is called to love your wife like God loves the church, love like that? You can’t fix or heal me, only God can, I know that… but even through whatever healing God may do in my life, I may still be scared and hesitant of anything between us. Thank you for not giving up.

I am still praying for you, especially that you will continue to grow into the man of God you were created to be. And just like I’ve said before, I will continue to seek Christ for healing and to grow into the woman of God He has created me to be. I want to be whole and confident when I meet you, knowing who and Whose I truly am.

Until then,

From me with a humbled heart,

Woman of Purity~

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